Snape Found a Crayon
by Feathery Kuja1
Summary: Snape found a crayon and Frodo Baggins is reaking havoc at Hogwarts. Dumbledore's got himself a valley view accent and Harry has a couple screws loose. What else is there to know?


Snape and the Crayon  
  
by Feathery Kuja and Black Mage Dad  
  
A/N: Okay. We do not own Snape, or anything Harry Potter related, or Lord of the Rings, or U2, or Steven King or anything else that happens to randomly pop up. Oh yeah, and nothing against Southern or French or Valley View or any other accents in this story.  
  
  
  
Snape found a crayon.... Snape saw Potter... Run, Potter, Run!  
  
Snape picked up the crayon he had found earlier under Harry Potter's shoe and checked it for curses. "Hmm.. Doesn't anyone know how to curse a piece of wax?" He found that there was no curses, so he applied his own. Just then Potter walked into his office. Ah, now to test out my new curse... should I stick it up his nose or in his ear?  
  
"Ah, Mr. Potter, I have a question for you."  
  
"Yes'm?" Potter said in his extreme Southern accent.  
  
"What would you do if I came to your chambers while everyone was asleep, stuck this crayon in your nose and ran away like a cauldron with a broken leg?"  
  
"I reckon I would be a might ticked....Why? You gonna keel me?"  
  
"Um.....no, of course not...just wondering... Now! Mr. Potter, what was it that you wanted?"  
  
"Um, I reckon I wanted some eh that homeworks I been missin. You know, when I tried to save that drownded rock out in the lake las' Tuesday? I needs it 'cause I gotta do it so I can gets a grade fors it. My mama would be vexed ifin' she was still 'live."  
  
"Um, Mr. Potter, it is somewhat hard to understand that yankee accent of yours. Do you think that you should try to speak with a British accent like the rest of us?"  
  
"Um, I reckon I can't undastand what yall tryin' to say eitha. Maybes you could trys to speak Southern like I."  
  
*sigh* I've never had such a troule maker in my entire teaching career.... Oh yeah, I still have this crayon. What will I do with it? Ah, I know...  
  
Just then Snape sprang over his desk and jammed the crayon up Harry's nose. Whoa, that felt good...  
  
"Oops, Mr. Potter it seems that you have fallen on my crayon. The lake water from last Tuesday must be weighing head down. You might want to see Madame Pomfrey about that. Now, shoo, I'm sick of you."  
  
"Okee dokee, I'll just be saunterin' 'round the school while tryin' to find my homeworks that sprouted laygs an walked off withou' sayin g'bye or nothin." With that Harry turned around and left.  
  
~On the grounds~  
  
Harry was walking around the grounds when he saw a dark shape moving around in the woods.  
  
"Sirius?" He asked in his accent. "Isat you? Wheres are ya? Can't see nuttin out here...Comes out."  
  
"Ah, Harry, how good to zee you! I have been in France for zee past vunundred veeks. Zee accent vore off on me."  
  
"Oh" Harry said. All he could do was stare. "I reckon it sounds like you ates a weasle and can't throws it up." Harry walked up to Sirius.  
  
"Vhere did zat crayon come from?" He asked staring at his nose.  
  
"Ums, I reckon I forgeted wheres it comed froms." Harry said trying to stare at his own nose. "I thinks it was come'n from Snape."  
  
"Znape? But vhy? Vhat for?"  
  
Harry shrugged and flipped over onto his side.  
  
"Oops. I reckon I falled down, since the view is differnt. My block hurts. I reckon I falled on a rock. Hey, I reckon this is bein' the rock that drownded. I reckon the squid throwed it up here. I reckon it's ok. I reckon that I should stop sayin I reckon."  
  
"I reckon thats a good idear" said Sirius suddenly changing to a Southern accent also. "Hey, I aint French no more. I was gettin tired of tha ol' accent anyways."  
  
"Well, we best be gettin up to tha' ol' castle. I gotta get back to Ron and Herman, I mean Hermione. Lets be gettin' goin now." said Harry walking back up to the castle.  
  
~Meanwhile~  
  
"Ouch!" Snape tripped on the hem of his robes and landed face first into his cauldron. "My nose hurts." He got up and walked into a door. "My nose hurts more. This sucks."  
  
He walked into the great hall and Sirius Black was standing there.  
  
"Oh," Snape said in an extreme British accent. "Hello Black. It seems you have appeared again. Don't you remember that you were standing in that exact same place last night?"  
  
"Um, I reckon I don't. Why are yous always talkin that way? I can't undastand tha' accent a yalls. Talk like a Southerna like the rest a us do."  
  
"Ah, Sirius, I do not want a Southern accent. But, If you don't understand English, I think you might learn. Oh well."  
  
"What was that Snape? You dissin' the South? Why I oughta wear you out!"  
  
"Por que?" replied Snape "Tu tienes una vaca gorda!"  
  
"Why, I never! I reckon you should be shamed a yo' selves! I oughta whip you good!"  
  
Snape pulled out his wand and blew Sirius into the wall.  
  
"Soy numero uno!" He ran out of the great hall and went to retreive his crayon.  
  
~Dumbledore!~  
  
"Oh my god, I just like dropped my whiskey all over my like robes" said an old man that sounded like a valley veiw girl. "This will like, never come out for like, ever. House elf #4867, will you like clean this like huge stain up, it's like soaking into my skin. Hey, I think my like skin is getting like drunk."  
  
"Yes, master." said house elf #4867 a.k.a Elrond. The elf slave walked into the room and Dumbldore was standing there and he was all drunk.  
  
"Hey, Elrond, I think my like skin is dizzy." He said. Elrond just stared at him.  
  
"Go clean yourself up, old man. I'm sick of you and your stupid accent. You sound like a teenage girl! I'm hitting the road. Bye. See ya. Hasta Luego."  
  
They heard a loud bang at the door followed by an "Ouch. I think my nose is broken again." Then Snape walked in the door.  
  
"Hola amigos! Como estas?" He said  
  
"Bueno" answered Elrond.  
  
"Like, what are you guys saying?" Said Dumbledore. Elrond belched.  
  
Filch walked in and he had a wad of pounds(cash). "Lets go pick up Wendy's!" he said "The late night windows open!" Snape and Elrond rushed forward and got stuck in the door. After about six minutes they got unstuck and ran after Filch.  
  
~At Wendy's~  
  
They pulled up into the Wendy's drive through in Filch's old pickup.  
  
"What do you want?" asked Filch.  
  
"A Wendy's kid's meal!" screamed Elrond.  
  
"Me too." said Snape  
  
"Me three." said a voice from the glove compartment. Snape pulled it open and Frodo was laying all smooshed up in there.  
  
"Hello elf, potions master, and janitor. I found myself stuck in here." he said rolling out onto Snape's lap. "I fear that I am too tiny to ride in a vehicle on my own."  
  
"Oh." said Snape. "Thank you for choosing me to sit upon." he said sarcastically "I fear that I may accidentally knock you out the window."  
  
"Oh, I will not fall out of any window. I'm a hobbit!" said Frodo enthusiastically.  
  
So Frodo sat on Snape's lap the whole way back to Hogwarts.  
  
~Later~  
  
"Hmmm." said Frodo to himself "Where am I going?" Frodo was walking through the dark corridors of Hogwarts and bumpped into Harry.  
  
"Whas at?" said Harry "Whos it?"  
  
"I am Frodo Baggins." Frodo said in a weak voice full of fear. "I didn't mean to walk into you sir!" he said  
  
"No hobbit freak bumps into me and ges way with it. I'm gonna wear you out boy!" Harry said angrily reaching for the whip he now had in his back pocket. Just then Snape came striding down the hall.  
  
"Mr. Potter, I do not believe that I allowed you to go whiping my hobbit freaks." he said gliding up to them. "Detention and ten points from Gryffindor! Come now Frodo, you don't want to mess with this kid." With that Snape turned on his heel and began to walk back down the corridor not looking back. Frodo turned and followed the swishing robe around a corner.  
  
"Thank you sir! You saved me from getting worn out!" said Frodo happily.  
  
"You are welcome, Mr. Frodo." he said "Just don't get tangled with Potter again."  
  
"I won't sir!"  
  
~midnight~  
  
"Headmaster!" Snape screamed bursting into Dumbledore's office."That little hobbit is running mad around the school!"  
  
"Oh, like whatever." was Dumbledore's reply. "Like, I'm to lazy to like, go stop him right now."  
  
"Are you always lazy?" Snape asked angrily "And whats with the valley view accent?"  
  
"Like, yeah! Hey, like whats with the like British accent?" Dumbeldore asked clearly getting annoyed. "If that little hobbit man is like getting you like so mad then like go tell like Aragorn."  
  
"Aragorn? You mean that guy who runs around the whomping whillow for money?"  
  
"Like, yeah, who else would I be like talking about?"  
  
"I don't know."  
  
"Then like leave me alone."  
  
"Fine." said Snape walking out the door. "What a freak."  
  
~At the Whomping Willow~  
  
"Hmm. Where is that circus freak?" Snape asked himself as he walked up to the killer tree. "Yo, Aragorn, where are you?" he called out.  
  
"Do you have money?" a voice called back from behind the trunk of the tree.  
  
"Um, I have a dustbunny and a shoe lace." he yelled back. There was silence for a few moments.  
  
"Good enough." the voice called back walking out from behind the thick branches of the old tree.  
  
"There's like this little hobbit guy running around the school likes he's on steroids of something. Could you go get him?"  
  
"Sure." said Aragorn "As long as he doesn't try to maul me."  
  
"Um...he won't." Snape lied.  
  
~Back at the School~  
  
"Ouch! Don't try ta pull it out. It's a stuck in 'ere. I reckon it won't never come out."  
  
"I think that you are right. It vill never come out." said Madame Pomfrey in her Transylvanian accent. "That crayon is stuck up there good."  
  
At that moment Professor Trelawney walked into the hospital wing. "Whasss upppp?!" she asked like those black guys on that one comercial.  
  
"Professor Trelawney!" Harry yelled jumping up to give her a big hug "My favorite teacher!"  
  
Then Professor Snape came in. "Hola amigos y estudiante!" he said "Yo comer un escritorio!"  
  
"Vhat is he trying to say?" asked Pomfrey.  
  
"Gee, I reckon I don't got a dang clue!" Harry said in a frustrated tone.  
  
~The Frodo Project~  
  
"Where is that bloody miget?" Aragorn asked himself. He was in the endless, dark corridors of the dungeons searching for Frodo. "I can't see a foot in front of me own face"  
  
There was a low growl from the bend in front of him followed by a scratching noise. "What?" Aragorn asked himself in confusion. He was carrying a torch infront of him and waiting to throw it at the next monster he saw besides his reflection in a mirror.  
  
Just then a little figure burst out of the darkness and attacked Aragorn. "Ouch you little freak! Whats wrong with you?!" he yelled  
  
"Frodo me has gotten....RABIS!" Frodo screamed still biting Strider(Aragorn). Strider pulled out a dog bowl he just happened to have in his back pocket and began to hit Frodo over the head with it. Frodo screeched like Godzilla and began to thrash about. This hissy fit gave Strider time to slip the choke collar and leash over Frodo's head.  
  
"That's it! I'm taking you straight to the pound!" Aragorn said angrily.  
  
~The craziness of Frodo~  
  
"Hola!" said Elrond as he walked into the hospital wing. "Yo tomar un refresco y hamburguesa"  
  
"You just ate, you pumkin face." Snape said from where he was sitting in a corner on a stool with a big white pointed hat that read dunce sitting on his heaad. "Pomfrey dunced me."  
  
"Pomfrey?" said Elrond with a hint of mischief in his voice "We'll see about that..."  
  
"Whatch ya gonna do bout it?" asked Harry who was laying on the hospital bed with a sling around his head and nose "That Pomfrey as lost her cabbage. She puts a bandage on my head like I got a broked arm or summit. I'm a bit frightind by her."  
  
"What are you going to do Elrond?" Snape asked grownig curious.  
  
"You'll see. You'll see..." he said mysteriously and he walked out of the hospital wing leaving those last words to set in.  
  
"I reckon he's gonna feed her to Sirius or summit"  
  
Just then Frodo burst into through the door. He fell down to the ground yellping considering he had just burst through a door and that would hurt.  
  
"Eeeewwww!" Snape squeeled jummping from the stool "That thing looks like a truck hit its face or something!"  
  
"Looks like one a my daddy's ol cows he used ta have." said Harry  
  
"I didn't tell you to speak!" spat Snape.  
  
Frodo finally came back to his senses and resumed spitting and snarling. He ran up to Harry and began to bite his ear. Obviously he had watched one too many Mike Tyson wrestling matches.  
  
"Ouch!" yelled Harry "He's a bitin' my ear off!" He turned to where Snape had sat moments ago and only found an empty stool and the hospital wing door swinging back and forth.  
  
"You stupid elf!" yelled Harry pushing Frodo off. "I gonna whoop you good!" He took out his whip and began to whip Frodo and throw Jelly beans at him. "See how Mr. Jelly Belly likes you now!" he yelled.  
  
~The phone call that started it all~  
  
"Yes, I would like to speak with Mr. Hewson" said Elrond into the reciever.  
  
"Hello?" asked a small voice on the other end.  
  
"Hello Mr. Hewson." Elrond said not believing his luck "I wanted to speak with you about something... Do you know what Hogwarts school of witch craft and wizerdery is?"  
  
"Oh yeah, that place. I went there for a few years. Then I threw some dog stuff at a teacher and was expelled."  
  
"Oh really, Mr. Hewson? So you would be firmiliar with the school nurse, Madame Pomfrey?"  
  
There was a shudder from the other end of the line and then a gag. "Yes. I know her...unfortunately.."  
  
"Ah, well, she seems to be getting weird and no one really likes her anymore, so I thought, I mean, we thought thought that maybe you could come do a concert so loud that she decides to leave or something."  
  
There was a pause like Bono was trying to think. "When can I come?"  
  
~Snape's office~  
  
"How many F's can one class possibly have?" Snape asked himself. "These kids are the dumbest lot I've had in years." He went over the tests again thinking that maybe there was some kind of mistake. "Yes! I graded them perfectly! This is a day that will go down in Snape history, I have failed a whole class."  
  
He stood up and did some weird sort of happy dance like he does in all the other stories. "Ok....calm down. Now, lets see what we can do about Dumbledore. Hmmm, lets call the Edge...I'm sure he can drive anyone nuts. Even Potter." Snape picked up the phone and dialed Edge's number which he just happened to find. "Hello?" asked a clear, British voice on the other end.  
  
"Hello Mr. Evans. Fine day it is today---"  
  
"Cut to the chase"  
  
"Oh well, if I told you that I would pay you a million dollars in cash if you could come and do a solo so loud it drove someone insane alomst to the point of rabis, then would you do it?"  
  
"Who is this someone?"  
  
"Professor Dumbledore, headmaster of Hogwarts school of witchcraft and wizardry"  
  
"Ugh, that guy? He's the one who got me expelled in my sixth year!" Edge screamed throwing himself into a rage "When can I come?!"  
  
~That Night~  
  
"Ah, it is time for the Christmas feast!"  
  
"Headmaster?" asked Snape in a confused voice "It's a Sunday in February"  
  
"Shut up, boy!" the angry Dumbledore spat at the poor confused Snape "It's Christmas when I say it is!"  
  
There was a loud knock on the big front door. All the kids in the great hall looked up at Dumbledore like they were all getting presents or something.  
  
"Someone open the door!" said the impatient headmaster. Elrond got up with an evil smirk on his face and opened the door. Bono, The Edge, Adam, and Larry walked into the hall. They stood there for a moment looking at their surroundings and searching for their targets at the same time.  
  
Dumbledore was spotted first so the Adam and Larry hooked up their amps and got their guitars ready. Adam ran by Harry Potter and pulled the crayon out from his nose.  
  
"Ahhhhh!" Harry yelled. He fell to the ground unconscious. Adam threw the crayon at Dumbledore just as the winds were changing, causing the crayon to shift courses and fly up the old man's left nostril. This caused him to also fall to the ground unconscious.  
  
Madame Pomfrey heard all of this and knew that someone, if not already was going to get hurt. She walked in just in time for The Edge to spot her and shriek "There she is! You expelled Bono!"  
  
With a lot of screaming from the band and singing on Bono's part, they began to sing and play as loudly as possible. The children were cheering now and throwing drinks into the air. Bono rushed upon Pomfrey and began to jump around like the monkey he is.  
  
"That ones for Bono!" The Edge screamed hitting the distortion lever. In response to this Bono yelled "Sunday, Bloody Sunday!" and Edge's guitar let out an un-earthly wail.  
  
Dumbledore began to squeal exactly like a pig and ran out of the school. Madame Pomfrey was next, pic weilding kids close behind.  
  
Bono was now screaming "Bullet the blue sky!!" and an occasional "El- e-va-tion!!" slipped out here and there. When Pomfrey finally ran for her life it was midnight. Bono, being as hyper active as he was felt like it was about one in the afternoon. He had coffee this morning.  
  
"Play more! Play more!" the students shouted. Bono and gang had energy to burn so they decided that they would sing something else. Bono jumped up onto the staff table and picked up the microphone to his lips. He then sang The Fly as loud as he could. Bono was right in the middle of it when a phenomena happened.  
  
"A man will beg, a man will crawl, in the true face of love like a fly from the wall. It's no secret at --"  
  
But he was cut off. A glowing blue moose walked into the great hall. "Moo." it said walking to stand in the center.  
  
Harry woke up. "Daddy!" he yelled. "You comes back for me!" he squealed running up to the apparition.  
  
"I haven't comed back for nuttin." the moose replied stubbornly. "I left you for good reason. And besides, yo' momma couldn't stand you!"  
  
Harry gasped. "I had a mom too? I thought I only had a daddy and ma" he said in amazement.  
  
"This is so touching..." Bono said wiping a tear from his eye. "I think we should play some more." he said jumping back onto the table. "Des- i-i-i-i-re!" he began to sing.  
  
The rest of the band shrugged and began to play again.  
  
Then Snape stood up. "May I be excused? There is a hobbit freak I must hunt down for Stephen King's private zoo. Good day to you all." he said leaving.  
  
"Okay." Harry said in a strangled voice like Ron in that one part in the movie.  
  
Just then they heard some Indian battle cries.  
  
The End.  
  
  
  
A/N: Okay, so it doesn't exactly make the most sense, but I hope ya liked it anyway! And please don't flame us too badly, I'm in a very fragile emotional state right now cause Black Mage Dad just told me Snape doesn't really exist. Oh well. 


End file.
